


Iron Chef: Sunnydale

by Ressick



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: iron chef au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-04-04
Updated: 2000-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 23:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10545922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ressick/pseuds/Ressick
Summary: If the Buffy characters were on Iron Chef.  Old fic from the early days of the willtara email list.  With apologies, this is in script format.  It was written so long ago that we didn't even know Tara's last name.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops. Well. I can't say if this fic works if you're only familiar with the American Iron Chef, as I don't watch it, but the constant refrain of "This has never happened before!" happened about every five minutes in the original Japanese version. Whether that was an accurate English translation or not is beyond my ken. Also I forgot how much I really hate Riley. Posted to AO3 in 2017.
> 
> Original Authors' notes: 
> 
> Actual text is taken (and adapted) from the opening sequence. I got that, and a heck of a lot of other helpful information from: [a now long defunct website] 
> 
> This idea was thrown out a couple of weeks ago [in 2000], and I forget by whom. I don’t claim the concept even- some other person on willtara came up with it. Kudos to you!
> 
> Author’s Final Note: I told my mom about the concept being thrown out on the list, and she loves Iron Chef so... She helped me brainstorm, she proofread, and we searched online together for certain information. Therefore she gets co-credit (co-blame?) for this zany thing. Also, I wrote this in less than an hour. Quality is not a guarantee... loonieness is.

  
  
Commentator: Five years ago, a man's fantasy became reality in a forum never seen before - a giant cooking arena. The Kitchen Stadium. The motivation for spending his fortune to create Kitchen Stadium was to encounter new original cuisine’s which could be called true artistic creations.  
  
Spike: "ALLEZ CUISINE!" (bites into pepper and spits it out) Bloody ‘ell!  
  
Commentator: To realize his dream, he first secretly started selecting the top chefs of various styles of cooking. And he named them the Iron Chefs - the invincible people of culinary skill. Iron Chef Microwave is Alexander Harris. Iron Chef Martha Stewart the mysterious Tara. Iron Chef Stake is Elisabeth Anne Summers. And Anya is Iron Chef Aphrodisiac. The Kitchen Stadium is the arena where Iron Chefs await the challenges of Master Chefs from around the world. Both the Iron Chefs and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day. Using all their senses, skills, creativity, they're to prepare artistic dishes never tasted before. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he or she will gain the people's ovation and fame will meet the Master Chefs from around the world and their artistic creations. What inspiration will today's challenger bring, and how will the Iron Chef fight back? The heat will be on!  
  
Commentator: Today’s challenger is Jonathan! A world class chef during his brief stint in an alternate universe of his own making, Jonathan has now become the loser we all know and love! Taught in the traditions of black magic, he has become a master at major screw-ups! And today’s theme ingredient....  
  
Spike: OYSTERS!  
  
Commentator: Jonathan has chosen to challenge Iron Chef Microwave. Xander is preparing by collecting up his bucket of oysters, and the challenge is on!  
  
Giles: It looks like he’s starting to shuck them, remove the shells.  
  
Harmony: Ooo, I loved oysters when I was human! Ooo! (giggles)  
  
Riley: This is sissy food.  
  
Commentator: This is bad, this is bad. It appears that Iron Chef Xander has been accidentally shocked by his microwaves! He’s lying on the floor unconscious! This has never happened before!  
  
Jonathan: (checks pulse and such) He’ll be okay!  
  
Anya: (runs out and smacks him) Wake up!  
  
Commentator: This has never happened before! I hear from the panel that they’re going to allow Jonathan to re-challenge an Iron Chef so the battle may continue!  
  
Jonathan: I challenge... all the remaining Iron Chefs!!  
  
Commentator: This SURELY has never happened before!  
  
Buffy, Tara, and Anya: We accept the challenge!  
  
(the three Iron Chef-ettes run out onto the floor, kick Xander in a corner, and start frantically preparing their dishes; Jonathan returns to his work)  
  
Harmony: What is Iron Chef Martha Stewart doing? Oooo!  
  
Giles: It appears that she’s starting the preparation for a raw oyster bar by carving an ice sculpture. See how she’s using that chainsaw to get a rough shape on the block of ice?  
  
Riley: Where’d she get that ice? And why are they letting a woman use a chain saw?!  
  
Willow: Well, according to Tara, she started by combining two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen, to produce pure water. Then she froze it and took out her chainsaw.  
  
Giles: Look at Iron Chef Stake! She’s efficiently skewering the oysters with a wooden pointed stick of some sort and grilling them with portabello mushrooms!  
  
Harmony: Oh, I love mushrooms! (giggles obnoxiously)  
  
Anya: (demanding) Hey, camera man! Look at what I’m doing!  
  
Giles: It appears that Iron Chef Aphrodisiac is preparing Oyster Rockefeller, a well known dish to get people in the mood. She’s also preparing a dessert dish with oysters and chocolate.  
  
Anya: (grabs microphone from floor reporter Willow) Xander and I are going to have a lot of orgasms after eating this!  
  
Harmony: Ooo, orgasms!  
  
Willow: (a bit green from Anya’s comment) Let’s check in with Iron Chef Martha Stewart! Hi, hon!  
  
Tara: H...hi, Willow.  
  
Giles: Tara is now preparing the napkin holders for her raw oyster bar. She’s carved rings out of the oyster shell and is now hot glue-gunning on pearls taken from her oysters onto the napkin rings!  
  
(A vampire runs into the Kitchen Stadium with game face on. Iron Chef Stake takes an extra skewer and propels it into the vampire’s chest, thereby reducing the evil nasty to dust.)  
  
Giles: Well, good work, Buffy!  
  
Buffy: Thanks, Giles.  
  
Riley: That’s so primitive. She shoulda stunned him...  
  
Giles: What is the challenger up to, Willow?  
  
Willow: (wanders over to where Jonathan is preparing food) It appears he’s fighting a demon with a symbol on his forehead. It’s sort of like a Greek letter, only not.  
  
Spike: FIFTEEN MINUTES!  
  
Giles: The Iron Chefs and their challenger are rushing about furiously, after the dispatch of the demon and vampires. It seems that Iron Chef Microwave is waking up and now trying to finish what he started!  
  
(Xander takes the oysters and shoves them into the microwave.)  
  
Willow: Iron Chef Martha Stewart is putting the finishing touches on her raw oyster bar! Below the ice statue of... me? Hon, you shouldn’t have!  
  
Anya: Especially not nude! Now Xander will be picturing you when we’re having orgasms!  
  
Willow: (blushing) As I was saying, Tara has a lavish raw oyster bar complete with pearl-inlaid napkin holders and hand-woven napkins!  
  
(The microwaves go off and Xander pulls the oysters from them.)  
  
Giles: Iron Chef Microwave appears to be placing the microwaved oysters on plates and preparing Dixie-cups with ketchup for dipping. He’s also adding a side dish... Fritos? Xander, I must say that is nothing like good cuisine!  
  
Xander: Yeah, well... When I have a comeback you’ll be sorry!  
  
Spike: FIVE MINUTES!  
  
Giles: The final preparations are fast and furious! Each Iron Chef is readying their own unique dishes for consumption by the judges!  
  
Willow: It appears that challenger Jonathan has not had time to complete his dishes! The judges will be comparing the dishes by the Iron Chefs! A challenge between Iron Chefs!  
  
Giles: This has never happened before!  
  
Dull Female Voice: Time over.  
  
Commentator: Now for the testing. Iron Chef Microwave has... microwaved oysters with ketchup and Fritos. A rare combination. Iron Chef Martha Stewart has a glorious ice sculpture and an elegant raw oyster bar. Truly unique. Iron Chef Stake has grilled oysters with portabello mushrooms. A real original. And Iron Chef Aphrodisiac has Oyster Rockefeller and chocolate-dipped oysters.  
  
Anya: For guaranteed orgasms!  
  
Harmony: Oh, the tastes are absolutely divine! I’ve never had anything quite like it! Teehehehe!  
  
Riley: Get me some real food. I want meat!  
  
Giles: This is a most unique situation. I cannot decide!  
  
Willow: Well, the Iron Chefs have become quite relaxed. It appears that they’ve raided Iron Chef Aphrodisiac Anya’s supply of wine and are imbibing.  
  
Tara: (wobbles up to Willow drunkenly) You are so beautiful... (kisses her passionately as Willow turns bright red)  
  
Anya: Time for orgasms! (drags Xander away)  
  
Buffy: Hey, Giles, do I have to patrol tonight?  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on a commercial)  
  
Announcer: This week on Gordon Elliot’s Door Knock Dinners, Iron Chef: Sunnydale edition! We’ll be bringing all our Iron Chefs to the home of some poor unsuspecting person in Sunnydale California. And the entertainment is ex-Librarian Rupert Giles and his amazing acoustic rock singing, straight from the Expresso Pump!  
  
(Gordon Elliot, Giles, Buffy, Tara, Xander, and Anya show up at a door)  
  
Gordon Elliot: Hello, we’d like to cook you dinner!  
  
Buffy: Mom?!  
  
Joyce: Why, sure, come on in!  
  
(cut Giles singing)  
  
Giles: Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme... are you going to Scarbourough faire?  
  
(fade out)  
  
The End


End file.
